Never Say Neverland

With apologies to Johnny Depp and Justin Bieber.


Never write a bibilographical essay while hungover. Books that were boring become personal affronts; those that were annoying, crimes against humanity.

Never go to online dating sites and state that the principal reason you’re looking for a relationship is to find someone who can apply eczema cream on a place you cannot quite reach. For some reason, it doesn’t seem to work.

Never use your turn signal in Rhode Island. It confuses people.

Never quibble with a local about the excellence of Dunkin’ Donuts.

Never invite two French people who do not know each other over to dinner. They usually end up hating each other.

Never ask a soccer mom how her day was, unless you’ve got a lot of time on your hands.

Never say, “Okay, I’ll read your stuff.”

Never get romantically involved with a divorce lawyer.

Never suggest that Harry and Hermione should actually hook up.

Never turn on the tv evening news expecting to learn something.

Never read David Brooks.

Never eat a pizza topped with pineapple chunks.

Never continue a geopolitical conversation with someone who says “the Arab street.”

Never take your hookah into the bathroom.

Never trust anyone wearing a necktie. Especially if it’s the only thing they’ve got on.

Never tell a woman she looks like your mother.

And never ever tell a woman she looks like her mother.