See if you’ve got what it takes:
1. The medieval euphemism for torture was
a) Passing the chalice
b) Putting the question
c) Tickling the damned
d) Burning the steak
2. The modern euphemism for torture is
a) National securiosity
b) Enhanced interrogation techniques
c) The Huckabee questionnaire
d) Doing a Jack Bauer
3. Bradley E. Manning, the soldier believed responsible for giving Wikileaks thousands of U.S. government documents, is being made to sleep naked every night because:
a) He has bad fashion sense
b) His guards are taking a life-drawing class
c) Underwear constitutes coddling
d) The Empire has no clothes, either
4. Khalid Sheikh Muhammad, 9/11 mastermind, was waterboarded 183 times because:
a) The first 182 times were warm-ups
b) It was a contest sponsored by Waterpik
c) Problematic personal hygiene
d) It was fun
5. The woman in the pictures at Abu Ghraib was:
a) Annie Leibovitz
b) Tonya Harding
c) Lynndie England
d) Barbara Bush
6. The Bush who is most proud of causing excruciating pain is:
a) George W.
b) George H. W.
c) Jeb
d) Kate
7. In which city were the Geneva Conventions signed?
a) Nuremberg
b) Celebration, Florida
c) Wasilla, Alaska
d) The what?
8. In the “torture memo” penned by Bush’s Justice Department, physically violent questioning did not reach the threshold of torture unless it:
a) caused the victim to vote for the Democrats
b) caused suicide
c) caused organ failure
d) caused piano failure
9. The reason people can be found who are willing to torture resides in their:
a) having been altar boys in either Baltimore or Boston
b) having read Ayn Rand
c) having had the Angel Moroni speak to them
d) having lost the Civil War
10. John Yoo, author of the torture memo, recently published a book entitled:
a) War By Other Means
b) War Means Being Mean
c) The Wit and Wisdom of Genghis Khan
d) Check Your Soul at the Door: A Life in Public Service
11. Yoo is presently:
a) a senior adviser to Muammar Gaddafi
b) a possible running-mate for Pamela Geller’s GOP presidential bid
c) a finalist on American Scumbag
d) a professor of law at UC Berkeley
12. George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are reluctant to travel abroad because they might face:
a) garlic
b) foreigners
c) smaller lecture fees
d) prosecution for war crimes
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Hearing the State Department denouncing the plight of the US contractor arrested in Cuba sounded so hollow after all this. I think the spokeperson was aware of it because there was a je-ne-se-qua in his voice. Perhaps it was the proximity to Guantanamo.
ReplyDeletea fine, bitter spray of gin and tonic left my mouth as i read this one. ah how sweet--and sour, and sadly hilarious--it is!
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