Tea for One

Having ranked sixth in this year’s top ten list of The Most Influential Beings in the Milky Way (the only other earthling, coming in at #2, was Tonya Harding), I am often asked by friends and admirers – if they can be differentiated – whether I resent not being invited to the White House for state dinners. For the most recent banquet there with the leader of China, for example, neither Tonya nor I was contacted.

I have to say that for all my galactic importance I do not feel the smallest twinge of resentment at such neglect.

The truth is, China does not exist, as I am not there. Neither does New York City, unless I am visiting it, which of course I never will. To those willing to drink deep at my wisdom well, I use the example of the refrigerator. Does the light go out when you close the fridge door? Yes? No?... I see you’re beginning to understand. In the same way, when I am asleep the universe ceases to exist.

In uncharacteristic moments of weakness, I sometimes wish that I could find confirmation of this axiomatic truth from Professor Einstein. Unfortunately, he had the weakness of being mortal. But in all other respects we are similar: hair coloring, personal hygiene and genius.

So, will China eventually matter?

It depends on my mood.

I have so many other things to think about. For example, greasing the semiautomatic that my daughter is bringing to her prom. The Second Amendment is Number One on her dance card. As for the wholly unnecessary verbiage surrounding it, called the Constitution, I will concede that it is the most amazing thing ever produced in the galaxy about the greatest country ever to exist past, present and future and in every dimension up until beyond the infinite. Yet, yet… activist judges have argued that it applies to Mexicans. Whereas, to use one of the Founders’ funny, scrolly words, it was written principally to abolish government.

I have to remember that, aside from myself, perfection is elusive.

Okay, okay, I will admit that sometimes I lose patience. But then I realize I just have to fall asleep to make it go away. Or daydream, back to the days when I played pitch-and-catch with Spikey, my pet stegosaurus.

Do I care about women, you ask? Yes, of course, those wonderful, wonderful helpmeets. Other men my age may think about young women’s vaginas, but I think about their wombs, which are public property. It’s a difficult burden to bear.

Even more troublesome are the brown people. Exactly how much should we bomb them when they’re not there in the first place? As a galactic figure, I have to put it into perspective. And as a free man, unfettered by government, history and perspective, I sometimes wonder if we really need to pay for more armaments.

But then I realize as a one-man militia it is my duty to put the whole country in uniform and attack places I’ve never heard about and therefore don’t exist.

Funny that, no? Lordy, it’s fascinating, this push-me-pull-you world in which we live.

On the one hand, there’s nothing. On the other, there’s me.